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Protesting has been around a long time and has been used in the past to influence society to create change for what will hopefully create a better world. Unfortunately, not all protests are created equal and what is sometimes protested to make life better can turn out horribly wrong, damaging and hurtful.

With Couples Counselling Calgary, I find it’s not a matter of if but when a couple will begin to Protest issues in a relationship. It could be not liking what your partner is saying or something that is not being dealt with or simply not feeling heard and ignored. Either way, when a couple is upset with each other it is often due to what is known as an “Attachment Protest.” 

Now I first came across the term Attachment Protest in Sue Johnsons book “Love Sense” where she talks about how couples who are trying to gain attention from there partner often end up doing so in a way that can drive their partner crazy. What’s extra challenging is the way the partner is trying to attach to there partner is often the complete opposite of how their partner operates.

Often, one of the individuals in the relationship will demonstrate needing or desiring space which to the other person looks like there not dealing with the problem or taking this seriously. In clinical attachment terms this is called “Avoidant Attachment.” This person sometimes needs time to work things out and can sometimes feel very overwhelmed, especially if there partner is needing them to deal with 10 to 20 issues that are bothering them. This style of relating can appear to function at a much slower pace than the opposite partner.

Now the other partner is often, not always, the other way around and wants to deal with issues here in the now. In other words, “we need to deal with this issue NOW!!!” In clinical attachment terms this is sometimes called “Anxious Attachment.”  This person in the relationship is often trying to resolves things which can cause the other partner to either close down, due to feeling overwhelmed, or need space. However, when the anxious partner sees the other partner needing space it can look like there running away. The outcome looks like a bad cartoon where one partner is chasing the other partner around in a circle never resolving the issue.

So how do we protest our concerns properly when we need to figure out solutions in a relationship?

Here are a few suggestions that couples counselling Calgary through New Life counselling suggests.

1. Allow your partner to have space or calm down for an agreed amount of time. This will allow things like adrenaline which is a huge cause of overreactions to decrease and slow down when needing to talk kindly and patiently towards each other.
2. Take the 1 or 2 most important topics needing to be discussed and put the other 8 or more issues needing to be dealt with on the shelf. You can go to the other issues once the current hotspot is dealt with.
3. The person needing space or feeling overwhelmed needs to not just cool off and avoid the situation. Rather, take agreed upon time in healthy isolation to intentionally process the 1 or 2 issues and then go back and begin to discuss the issue at hand.
4. Repeat these steps often as often old habits die hard and it can take time to implement these new strategies when were used to protesting in unhealthy ways.

Protesting is not a terrible thing in a relationship as it’s a way to communicate to our partner were not happy with how things are going. However, protesting without clear guidelines can lead to hurts and feeling like no one is listening to me or running away and hoping the issue will disappear…even though you know it’s not going anywhere and will most likely come back to haunt you.

Sometimes our protests have gone on for a very long time and that can create a protest gridlock. If you are finding your relationship is in gridlock it might be time to consider seeing a qualified clinical counsellor, skilled in working with couples counselling Calgary and begin to works towards relational New Life.