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Not all relationships are created equal. Whether you are dating someone or deciding to go to the next level in your commitment such as getting married; it’s important to look at ways a relationship can develop if the relationship is long distance. Long-distance relationships can happen for numerous reasons. It could be because of a job like having to work up north for 3 months at a time, or maybe your partner is overseas and it could be for other reasons such as being in the military and you’ve been called to a different location temporarily.

Let’s take a look at a few strategies on how to make a long-distance relationship Work

Marriage Counselling Calgary distance strategy #1: Know What You’re Getting Into (if possible).

Love is a word often used in conjunction with the concept of commitment. And commitment can be tricky if a couple suddenly realizes they won’t be seeing each other on a daily or even weekly basis.

Commitment in a relationship is often where the rubber meets the road. In other words, I’m not going to see you for days, weeks, or month on end are we first of all committed to the relationship? Secondly, are we going to stay true to each other and not sleep around with other partners…even if we were on a break.

It’s important to discuss the level of commitment you are going to have towards each other no matter if you’ve just met or have been together for years.

Marriage Counselling Calgary distance strategy #3: Use different kinds of technology

Long-distance relationships have been around since the dawn of time. However, these days were not limited to pigeon carriers, or even the traditional writing of letters. These days you can utilize modern technology such as a traditional phone call, video calls and social media. I also recommend writing the occasional letter to each other as well, because it forces a person to slow down in this fast-paced world to think and feel what is being written down. Plus, letter writing is way more meaningful than just a quick text saying “what’s up.”

Regarding texting. I always ask couples to consider only texting for dates, times and locations and not to begin a full-blown conversation by texting. There are just way too many ways texting creates miscommunication. Let alone the dreaded spell check failures that sometimes occur and the reality that emotion does not translate very well (if at all) when texting causing quite often confusion, resentment and anger towards each other…Not what we want for a long-distance relationship. 

Marriage Counselling Calgary distance strategy #4: Quality Time vs. Quantity Time

No matter on the length of time away from each other, it’s important to consider spending quality time with each other. This includes if you’re back in town for a period of time or even to the small things like a nightly or weekly call.

Quantity is often not an option in long-distance relationships so it’s important when spending time with each other to make every second count. Even more important to consider is if you have children which will also use up some of the quality time so the children can get to know the parent that is not at home so a stranger doesn’t show up suddenly at home and the child goes “Who’s this?”….This goes back to the letter-writing concept stated earlier. Letter writing is a great way to spend quality time with each other in a thoughtfully written letter your partner can go back to time and time again if comfort and a sense of safety is required. Plus, if you have children this is a great way for them to get to know you.

Some relationships actually thrive due to distance and find when the partner comes home due to a lay-off or extended time to go home, the relationship can actually have an ironic reverse effect and the partners go to the other extreme from barely seeing each other to seeing each other to much. In this case boundaries are important to set when at home together and discussion again must be around the topic of creating healthy space from each other and at the same time again focusing on quality time rather than quantity time.

Marriage Counselling Calgary distance strategy #5: Deal with Jealousy and Insecurities.

Many individuals in long distance relationships struggle with their partner being away for long (even short) amounts of time. If that is you reading this it might be a case of needing to work on your own identity as a person. In fact, with your partner away, it can create an opportunity to work on yourself and be the best person you can be which can help enhance the relationship…as long as the partner is aware of the transformation taking place so there not coming back home going “Who are you and what did you do with my partner?” And yes, that means if you’re the partner who is away you must also find intentional quality time during your down time to work on yourself as an individual to be the best person you can be and as an outcome be the best partner to you can become.

Long distant relationships will definitely bring up any insecurities and jealousies that are in the relationship. This often has more to deal with the trust you have towards your partner or even with yourself.   If you have been hurt by someone in the past like they slept with another partner, don’t be surprised if you get super insecure if you see a social media picture of your partner out on the town with a group of people that you may or may not know…especially if the person in the photo is good looking and everything in you is telling you they are after your partner. And for the partner who allowed this shot online, I’m not saying you don’t post this picture, however, it’s important to be transparent as to who you know and who you are hanging out with at work and after work hours so your partner can have increased security and trust in the relationship and you don’t end up in an emotional affair, let alone a full-blown physical affair. And yes, the reverse can happen for the person working away and in isolation with the partner at home not knowing who and what they are doing while they are away.

If your long-distance relationship is getting way more distant than you’d like; it might be time to consider online or in-person (if your partner is in town) individually or as a couple and seek out a qualified counselling therapist, clinical counsellor, or psychotherapist and begin to walk in New Life.