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In marriage it’s not an uncommon scenario to have disagreements. Now I have no issues when a couple in marriage counselling Calgary disagrees on something, that’s just normal. The issue sometimes lies in HOW the disagreement is being projected and what is often being communicated.

When communicating, there are many different strategies and one of the easiest methods of communicating is to simply use what is know as “I” statements. I statements allow a person who is disagreeing to state what they feel like without blaming or shaming the other person’s opinion or current knowledge on what is being disagreed about. 

When I express what I’m thinking or feeling, it allows me to take ownership over my own thoughts and feelings. In taking personal responsibility, it also allows me to focus on myself and not blame or shame my partner. It’s when I start to point the finger and place blame on the other person that I neglect my own personal responsibility in order to protect myself. In turn this will sometimes cause a partner to become very defensive and begin to either defend their personal point or even go into attack mode and reverse the blame. A general rule of thumb is simply this; Even if my partner is in the wrong or says something I don’t like, when I react negatively and blame or shame my partner, I need to ask myself “what is it I might not be taking responsibility for?” Tough question, depending on the situation, however, a very important question to ask in order to guide us back to personal responsibility.

When both parties begin to blame and shame, it’s over, and all that happens is the relationship ends up going backwards and not forwards arguing the same points with words spoken that only end up hurting each other.

By using I messages, I can state what I want or need and even if my partner is not able to provide that want or need, at least I know I did my part to work on resolving the issue at hand.

Sometimes issues in the moment can be very complex and so this is where couples counselling can support the challenging issues at hand, and even along the way learn how to communicate better and find repair in your relationship.  

If you and your partner are struggling in your marriage, it might be time to seek out a qualified clinical counsellor that can guide you both back to a place where you can be other centered in your relationship again and walk in New Life.