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In therapy, there is some amazing work for families done by an individual named Stephen Karpmen. He developed a concept to support relationships known as the drama triangle. One of the unhealthy sides of the drama triangle in relationships is called rescuing. Rescuing in a relationship is not healthy and not a great way to cope in relationships.

The purpose of this blog is not to look at what rescuing is; rather, it is to look at the healthy side of triangulation, which is not often talked about, so we can stop rescuing. 

The healthy way a person re-enters a relationship healthily if they struggle with rescuing is by taking on the stance of a COACH.

Story Time:

When I was younger, I remember going to the local drug store to buy some candy and decided on purchasing a surprise bag, which in those ancient days contained a mixture of various candies and often a hockey card or two.

When I was done eating the candy, I started to look at this hockey card of a player I had never heard of. Looking at the stats, the player appeared to be not the worst in the league; however, not the best either. In other words, a fair decent player. Noticing the card had no updates as to what team they were currently playing with, I went to my dad, who was an avid sports enthusiast, and said, “Hey, Dad, who is this player, and are they still playing hockey?” My dad responded in an interesting way and said, “Well, that’s an interesting card you got.” He then went on and told me I was correct. He was not playing on a team. However, he told me he was still involved in Hockey. So, like any impatient child waiting for the answer, I asked my dad what he was doing in hockey now, and that’s when my dad told me that Glen Sather had become the new coach of the Edmonton Oilers. And so, in hopes of not offending Calgary fans, the rest, as sports history goes, is history.

In Triangulation, in order to not rescue anymore we need to become a coach. The story I just shared got me thinking about how Glen Sather’s story is similar to what people who may have good intentions in helping and supporting only end up rescuing and creating relational conflict without even knowing it sometimes.

Could you imagine Glen Sather suddenly getting red in the face and, in a loud voice, yelling at Gretzky and Messier (two of the greats in hockey) and telling them to get off the ice? Meanwhile, Sather starts to put on his old pair of skates, mumbling under his breath, “I’ll show them how it’s done…” as all the players look onward in confusion, wondering what is happening and why the coach is on the ice.

You see, a coach does not get in the game. He is to provide Clear Support and doesn’t take over and micromanage. In other words, the coach can’t do it all and needs to learn how to delegate, train up and provide support in a clear way that makes sense for the individual to be truly empowered to become the best player possible. Hopefully, you’re understanding metaphorically what I’m talking about because, in real life, we sometimes go and rescue people over and over again and wonder why we are getting angry and burning out.

Although Sather wasn’t the worst or the best player, he excelled as a leader when he became coach, taking the Edmonton Oilers to many great victories. It would have been so super weird to have seen Sather on the ice because he would be rescuing and trying to take over a situation he was responsible for just supporting.

Taking on the stance of a coach is merely the beginning of the positive side of stopping triangulation so we can establish healthy relationships. However, we have to start somewhere so we can stop and get out of the unhealthy side effects of triangulation and develop healthy coaching strategies.

If you or a loved one recognize you may be rescuing or struggling to develop healthy relationships, it might be time to consider Counselling Calgary and seek out a qualified therapist. Call 403-690-8617 for a complimentary 15-minute consultation to discuss your counselling needs so you can begin to walk in New Life.