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(Just a heads up, this relationship article might be very difficult to read if you are in the midst of a difficult relationship, so please be warned)

Sometimes, when a couple starts to fight, what is known as blaming and shaming can begin. When blaming and shaming begin, that’s pretty much it for a couple to find repair at the moment, as the other person will often come back feeling hurt and defensive and potentially begin to blame and shame back. Now, the couple is in a terrible dance that sounds like polka music, going round and round and driving everyone crazy.

If we are upset with our partner, we need to let them know we are ticked. However, blame is not the way to let our partner know we are upset and here’s the reason…

Primarily, the reason it’s not healthy to blame goes back to the old-fashioned finger-pointing at someone with three fingers pointing back at you. It’s not that the other person is wrong. In fact, the other person, such as your partner, might be 100% wrong. The problem is that when we blame, it often means there is something in our lives that we are not dealing with or taking responsibility for…ouch!!!

Yes, this statement may not seem fair, and I honestly almost didn’t write about it because there’s nothing worse than knowing the other person is in the wrong and still having to look at your own reflection and realize there are still things in your life that need to be worked on.

This is part of the challenge and mystery of intimate relationships. In an intimate relationship, you bring all of yourself to your other partner to make a whole relationship. That’s part of the mystery…. the two become one to make a whole relationship. Just yourself is not a relationship. As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango.

When counselling someone individually, the person being counselled is the sole focus. However, I sometimes surprise the couple in marriage counselling Calgary, because in couples therapy, I’m not here to support just the individual. I’m here to support the “THING” called a couple/marriage/relationship first and foremost.

Blaming and shaming only dishonour the other person unless that is what you are trying to do to end the relationship sooner rather than later. Blaming and shaming also, as mentioned before, do not take into account your part in the argument. Again, yes, the other person may be wrong. However, the individual who is blaming is not taking into account various factors such as not dealing with the situation, living with the situation and not dealing with it, or avoiding it altogether until too late.

This article might be a tough pill to swallow, and to be honest, there is no sugarcoating this one, as blaming and shaming in any relationship needs to stop, or the relationship will end up as a horrible tragedy that could have been prevented.  

If you or your partner are in a relationship that is currently being built on blame and shame, it might be time to consider couples counselling Calgary. Call New Life Counselling to arrange a complimentary 15-minute relationship consultation and begin to let your relationship walk in New Life.