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In counselling, I often discuss the biggest swear word you need to stop saying to your partner which is the word “You.” However, when doing couples counselling Calgary, I am then sometimes asked what is the second biggest swear word used.

The answer to that is often found right beside the word “you.” And this word used so often interchangeably and is the word “WHY.”

Here’s an example that may or may not be familiar. “Why is it you always say to me…etc etc…” or, “Why do you have to…etc etc.” or “Why are you always…etc etc.”

Now you might be asking the question why is the word “why” the 2^nd biggest swear word you need to stop saying to your partner.

When a person in conflict says why to the other person it does 2 primary things. First, it can create defensiveness in the other person and when that happens the part of our brain called the Amygdala, mixed with a healthy dose of adrenaline creates what is known by practitioners as the Fight, Fight or Freeze response. When using the word why, it actually might cause the person to want to run away from you or fight with you.

Secondly, using the word why in communication is not recommended for what is known as open-ended communication. Using the word why can create a closed-ended conversation which does not help in producing long lasting, intimate conversation between a couple. Think about it. If the person is already on defense and does not want to answer your questions then you might not get the response you were hoping for. Instead, the conversation could end very abruptly with a “Whatever” comment causing the individual asking the question to now go in to Fight, Flight or Freeze….Uh oh, that’s not what I like to see in a couple communicating healthily.    

When working on changing how we talk with others, especially our loved ones, it can almost feel like learning a new foreign language, however, with a little bit of patience and practice, what is known as “I” messaging can become second nature to your regular everyday language.

Some considerations in not using the word “why”, in order to not create a stance of defensiveness or closed conversation, are as follows:

1. Consider using the phrase “Help me understand…” Using the phrase “help me understand” creates an indirect “I” message so the question is not presented directly at the person you’re in conflict with. An example might be spoken like: “Help me understand what is trying to be conveyed right now.” Or “Help me understand the reason I am hearing this tone of voice.”

1. Rather than use the word “Why” consider using the words “What Is.” Again, keep in mind the use of the words “what is” can and should be used in the context of “I” messaging. An example might sound like this… “I’m wondering what is the reason I am hearing what I’m hearing right now? it’s actually starting to make me feel very defensive and angry right now.”

Examples, such as the ones given above, allow an open-ended statement and not a closed statement that can lead to a person to hopefully feeling LESS defensive, and maybe, just maybe your spouse can be invited into a deeper conversation of the topic needing to be dealt with.