When dealing with confrontation with a spouse or needing to correct a situation such as your child displaying negative behavior, we have to be aware of ourselves and how we are reacting, or over-reacting to the situation at hand.

In looking at the current circumstance you are dealing with, or even the last few confrontations you have had with your child, spouse or even closest friend; it is very important to reflect and look at the symptoms you are displaying when you are attempting to correct the situation. If you are displaying your own negative behaviors or are just emotionally feeling out of control it might be time to keep calm and take a personal time out. 

Let’s look at some common factors that may or may not determine if you need a personal time out.

2. External factors

There could be external factors including environment and external stresses causing you to need a personal time out in order to calm down.

• Environment

If you live in Calgary NW and have been promising to go to Bowness Park and it starts to heavily rain, or even worse…start snowing; It can be difficult to deal with the flooding of emotions of disappointment from yourself, family, partner or children.

• External Stresses

It’s good to look at what is happening in your personal and family life. Are there external factors that are out of your control such as the in-laws driving you crazy, or an old friend that you find yourself always feeling a little intimidated around when coming over to visit? Maybe the kiddies are just out of control, fighting and whining incessantly.  These external situations can create large amounts of stress and anxiety that can cause even the calmest of souls to need a break from the insanity of life and get re-centered.

3. Internal factors

Often times as individuals we will find ourselves in relationships where we are either the pursuer (confrontational) or the withdrawer (non-confrontational. Whether you like to immediately deal with things or need time to process your thoughts, it could be time to take a personal time out. Especially if you are catching yourself over and over again reacting negatively and displaying actions such as yelling at the kids, your partner or even yourself.   

There could also be other internal triggers from your past including Trauma, things the boyfriend is doing in the moment, however your abusive ex-used to do it to you all the time causing you to react to the person and not the triggering event.

Other internal factors such as Medication, diet (I haven’t eaten yet) and lack of sleep can cause a person to lose their nerve and before you know it your saying those words you wish you could take back.

As a general rule of thumb, I’d like to suggest that if you are a pursuer, that you give yourself some time to calm down. This means as much as you want to deal with the situation “RIGHT NOW!!!” you in fact might need to take a personal time out so you can come back in the room clear headed and ready to calmly and quietly deal with the situation you are needing to resolve. Now this is easier said than done for the pursuer as you want to deal with things “RIGHT NOW,” however the other partner or friend, who very well may be a with-drawer might not be ready to talk and needs to process their emotions.

If you are a with-drawer, know that you too can also be pushed to the brink of your limits and might need to take a personal time out. The purpose of your time out is to calm down and process what needs to be dealt with and said in a calm and quiet manner. However, as many with-drawers want to avoid confrontation, you have to set up a personal boundary that after about 10 to 15 minutes you must go and deal with your situation at risk of running away and avoiding your responsibility only to later on make things worse. In other words, take the time to process, however make an agreement to come back at an agreed upon time to deal with the situation.

Now if you are dealing with a child (not your spouse) who is ages 3 to 11, who is already on a time out/in, then you have an excellent opportunity to calm down and process your next steps with your child.

4. Hope

There is hope in being able to learn to self-regulate your own personal emotions when you are feeling overwhelmed in life. However, sometimes life can get very overwhelming and even though you might know what you need to do, it can be difficult to follow though in the doing what you know you need to do. If you are getting stuck in not being able to calm down during your personal time out it might be time to consider seeing a registered professional counsellor.