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With couples counselling Calgary, I find one of the number one areas of support requested is on improving communication skills. Quite often, when the couple requests communications skills, there is a high chance that one or both parties are not feeling heard; or have not felt heard for a very long time.

When a person does not feel heard, many things may happen to us internally:

• We might not feel cared for.
• We might not feel like our ideas are worth anything.
• We might feel like the other person doesn’t care for me.
• We might get tired trying to explain what’s happening or what we’re feeling, causing us to feel rejected.
• We might feel unsafe in the relationship.

Another consequence that also happens when communication skills need sharpening is that major miscommunication can occur. When miscommunication occurs, this can cause huge areas of stress and increased tension within a relationship.

When working on increasing the ability to feel heard and prevent miscommunication; one strategy I like to encourage couples to practice is called REFLECTION SKILLS.

Reflection Skills allow 2 people to communicate, even if they are in disagreement, to at least feel heard and sometimes even understood. Even if the other party still is not swayed by what the other person is attempting to communicate. This is a very important skill to develop because sometime big topics require patience and time to find a place of agreement and if the lines of communication stop; this can lead to resentment and increased arguing which generally leads to increased tension and damage in the relationship.

There are 2 general types of reflection skills. One is called Simple Reflection, which hopefully after reading this you’ll be able to start practicing right away. The other is called Complex reflection, and as the name suggests it can take practice to develop this reflection skill.

Let’s take a look at each of the reflection strategies used with improving communication.

Simple Reflection:

Once your partner is done talking to you, begin by saying “What I heard spoken was…” After that repeat what you just heard your partner share. This is where you are just like a parrot repeating back what you heard your partner say. Keep in mind, when repeating back what your partner is saying, be mindful of your tone (i.e. Repeating back in a sarcastic tone is not a good idea).

This is a great exercise to practice as it forces you to make sure you are listening. Keep in mind, simple reflection is an easy starting point to increase your communication skills.  

Simple reflection, while a great starting point, is not the end of communication skills as it can get repetitive and annoying if used to much. And so, it’s important to also look at more challenging communication strategies such as Complex Reflection.  

Complex Reflection:

Complex reflection takes much practice. It helps when other communication strategies are incorporated into it, such as “I Messaging Skills.” One of the ways I like to describe complex reflection is when repeating back to your partner, you are 1. Repeating what your partner said, however, in your own words (this gets rid of the repetitiveness when doing simple reflection) and 2. Add on a possible guess as to what you think might also be going on to validate what has just been heard.

Here’s a basic example of a simplified complex reflection.

Partner 1: “Honey, I’m really upset that you keep forgetting to put the toilet seat down, I just don’t know what to do with you anymore. I feel like a mother to you and I that wasn’t part of the deal.”

Partner 2: “So, what I heard said was I’m really upset with you because it’s felt like I’m treating this relationship with disrespect and by not putting the toilet seat down that makes you feel angry and rejected by me and also my actions are creating feelings of being like a mommy towards me and that’s just simply unfair and gross. Did I hear correctly? 

Did you catch the last statement in the example? At the end of your reflection, add the sentence “Did I hear Correctly.” This allows your partner to add anything forgotten or re-direct you if what was reflected wasn’t completely what was heard.

Reflections are a powerful way to allow your partner to feel heard, avoid miscommunication and with some extra practice your partner might even begin to feel validated…even if you don’t totally agree with what is being said.

If you and your partner are struggling to communicate or need to increase your skills in communication it might be time to seek out a qualified Clinical Counsellor and/or Psychotherapist and begin your next journey in communication and New Life.