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The Biggest Swear Word You Need to Stop Saying to Your Partner

The scene I’m about to present is all to often found looking at relationships in places like Calgary, Airdire and Cochrane. One person sits down to talk about a serious matter that needs to be discussed and before the conversation has really even begun, the couple starts to yell and quite possibly begins to swear uncontrollably at each other. Now the swearing I’m talking about might not be what you think I’m talking about. I’m not talking about the negative derogatory F-bomb words you hear people angry at each other in R rated movies say to each other. I’m talking about an even more insidious word that has crept into much of our conversations as couples that puts us on the defence and all out war begins and before you can say separation or divorce the fight escalates between each other without often times even knowing what the fight was even about. Sound familiar? If so, read on.

Tip #1 Stop Swearing at Your Partner

The swear word I’m talking about is the word “YOU.” Now, before you start scratching your head and saying what?, Hear me out. The word “you” in normal conversation is used all the time, however, I find over and over again in dealing with couples that in a heated argument or when already feeling on edge, the word “YOU” is often taken as a huge attack word causing the other person to REACT to what your saying; even if it’s said in the right heart.

Tip #2 Listen to how you are saying your words:

Have you ever said something that was completely 100% correct and you still ended up being in the wrong? Chances are it’s not what you said that was wrong, it was how you said it. I can say to you in an angry tone “YOU NEED TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!” and let me know if you got a negative reaction compared to talking in a quiet calming tone “you need to take out the garbage.” Now you might get a negative reaction out of both ways of saying it, however, my guess is the second one will have a better response because it’s done in a way that is not as demanding sounding and in a much nicer tone. I want to encourage you to start listening to those around yourself, especially at work, and begin to listen for tone and the “YOU” swear word and see what happens when the other person starts getting riled up at the other person. How are they using their words in a heated conversation? Are they using attack sounding words such as “you always…” or “You did this to me,” etc…

Tip #3 Use “I” Statements:

Okay, YOU are probably wondering if I can’t use the word “YOU” at my partner because we always end up fighting then what do I say? My suggestion, and like most things this will take practice, is to use what are known as “I Feel Statements.”  I Feel Statements are a great way of expressing how you are feeling rather than attacking the other person’s feelings and not being sensitive to there emotional needs or hurts in the moment of intense discussion.  An example might be something such as “I’m feeling very hurt with what was just said to me, I want to find a solution to this problem, however, I’m not sure what to do and am not feeling very heard right now.” Compare this last statement to the next one saying something attacking such as “YOU hurt me and YOU say you want a solution to the problem, however, I have no idea what to do because YOU never listen to what I’m saying!” This last statement does have some “I” statements, however, with the swearing word “you” mixed in, my guess is the other person is going to come back super reactive in a negative way and back and forth the couple goes in there escalation of fighting not even remembering what the original topic was.  

YOU might be wondering how the take out the garbage scenario could sound like taking “YOU” out of the equation. How about some of these possibilities? “I need the garbage taken out,” “It’s time for the garbage to go out,” “I’m wondering if it was remembered that it is time to take out the garbage,” “I have asked for the garbage to be taken out 3 times and I am not feeling very heard or respected right now and this hurts my feelings. Is there something getting in the way of the garbage being taken out.”

Using I statements puts the ownness and responsibility on us without the other person feeling like were attacking them or out to get them, or just declaring war on someone who may have already had a tough day and the attack word “you” coming from yourself being the icing on the cake for the other person to go on attack mode.

When we practice areas such as communication with our loved ones, we not only improve our communication skills, we also improve our relationships.

Communication strategies are so important in our important relationships, both at home and at work. However, sometimes the damage of miscommunication has already occurred and using this new found skill might just be like putting a band aid on a deep wound already present. If that’s the case, then I would like to suggest finding a registered professional counsellor that can help your relationship begin finding repair and healing and NEW LIFE.