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When dealing with relationships in Calgary NW communities, such as Royal Oak and Tuscanny, where there are many families, you will often find the challenges in these families has roots in what is known as the Drama Triangle. I found a great online article written by Lynne Forrest called “The Three Face of Victim – An Overview of the Victim Triangle.” Let’s continue to unpack this concept known as triangulation looking at the section of the triangle known as the Rescuer.

“The Rescuer might be described as a shadow aspect of the mother principle. Instead of an appropriate expression of support and nurturing, the Rescuer tends to “smother”, control and manipulate others – “for their own good,” of course. Theirs is a misguided understanding of what it is to encourage, empower and protect.

A Starting Gate Rescuer is the classic, co-dependent. The SGR tends be enabling, overly protective – the one who wants to “fix it.” Rescuing is an addiction that comes from an unconscious need to feel valued. There’s no better way to feel important than to be a savior! Taking care of others may be the Rescuers best game plan for getting to feel worthwhile.

SGR’s usually grow up in families where their dependency needs are not acknowledged. It’s a psychological fact that we treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. The budding Rescuer grows up in an environment where their needs are negated and so tend to treat themselves with the same degree of negligence that they experienced as children. Without permission to take care of themselves, their needs go underground and they turn instead to taking care of others.

A SGR often gains great satisfaction by identifying with their care-taking role. They are generally proud of what “helpers” and “fixers” they are. Often they are socially acclaimed, even rewarded, for what can be seen as “selfless acts” of caring. They believe in their goodness as chief caretakers and see themselves as heroes.

Behind it all is a magical belief that, said out loud, might sound like, “If I take care of them long enough, then, sooner or later, they will take care of me too.” But, as we’ve already learned, this rarely happens. When we rescue the needy, we can’t expect anything back. They can’t even take care of themselves – much less be there for us!

Often the resulting disappointment sends the SGR spiraling into depression. They fail to see that they, themselves are heading straight for victim through their enabling and disabling responses. Having denied the ill-begotten consequences of rescuing, these “do-gooders” find it very hard to hear themselves referred to as a victim even while they complain about how mistreated they are! Martyr is what a SGR turns into once they’ve moved into the victim position on the triangle.

Feeling used, at the mercy of, betrayed, and hopeless are trademark feelings of the victim phase of a Rescuer’s dance around the triangle. Common phrases for the martyred SGR are; “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?” or “No matter how much I do, it’s never enough”; or, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me like this!”

A SGR’s greatest fear is that they will end up alone. They believe that their total value comes from how much they do for others. It’s difficult for them to see their worth beyond what they have to offer in the way of “stuff” or “service.” SGR’s unconsciously encourage dependency because they believe, “If you need me, you won’t leave me.” They scramble to make themselves indispensable in order to avoid abandonment.

SGR’s are oblivious to the crippling dependency they foster. They are unaware of the disabling messages they send through their enabling interaction with others. The more they rescue, the less self responsibility is taken by the ones they care-take … The less responsibility their charges takes, the more they rescue … it’s a downward spiral that often ends in disaster.

A SGR mother of two out-of-control, teenage sons described it well. She said, “I thought my role as a good mother was to make sure my sons toed the line – I thought I was supposed to make sure they did the right thing. Because I believed that I was responsible for the choices they made, I told them what to do and constantly attempted to control their behavior.”

Should she be surprised then that her sons blame everyone around them for the painful consequences they experience as a result of their own poor choices? Like her, they have learned to think that their behavior is her responsibility, not their own. Her incessant and futile attempts to control them causes constant battle between them, making it easy for the boys to blame their mother for the problems created by their own irresponsibility. Out of her own need to be seen as a “good mom”, this co-dependent mother unwittingly taught her sons to see themselves as hapless victims whose unhappiness was always somebody else’s fault. There’s a good possibility that at least one of these boys will become a Starting Gate Persecutor. Certainly the set up is in place for that to happen.

This mother, as is often the case, was convinced that her sons were incapable of making good choices. She had a long list of evidence to back up her concerns. This accumulated evidence justified her “obligation” to control her sons choices. But because they were teenagers, she could no longer force their compliance like she could when they were younger. Inevitably she would end up feeling helpless, inadequate and like a failure as a mother (victim position). She would either give in to their demands or “persecute” them for not obeying. Either way, she (and they) felt bad. Then would come the guilt or remorse which would motivate her to try to “fix it” once again. And she finds herself back in her original Starting Gate Rescuer position for the cycle to start anew.

We met Sally earlier, who grew up seeing her mother as weak, helpless and ineffectual. From an early age, she felt a huge responsibility to take care of her frail, drug dependent parent. Her own well-being depended on it! As the years went by, however, she could scarcely contain the inner rage she felt towards her mother for being so needy and weak. As a SGR, she would do all she could to bolster her mother, only to come away again and again, feeling defeated (victim) because nothing she tried worked. Inevitably the resentment would take over, leading her to resort to treating her mother with scorn (persecutor). This became her primary interactive pattern, not only with her mother, but in her other relationships as well. By the time we met, she was emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted from having spent her life taking care of one sick and dependent person after another.

It becomes the job of the Rescuer to keep the other propped up – “for their own good,” of course. Having a Victim is essential in order for the SGR to maintain the illusion of being one-up and needless. This means then, that there will always be at least one person in every SGR’s life who is troubled, sick, fragile, inept and therefore dependent upon them. If the SGR’s primary victim starts taking responsibility for themselves, the Rescuer will either have to find a new victim or address their own shadow needs.

Regardless of the circumstances of the one a SGR feels compelled to rescue – no matter how “badly” the victim may need help, rescuing can lead only one place – victim. If you are a primary Rescuer, this does not mean you cannot be loving, generous and kind. It is certainly possible to be helpful and supportive without being a Rescuer. There is a distinct difference between being truly helpful and rescuing.

Authentic helpers act without expectations for reciprocation. They empower rather than disable those they serve. What they do will be done to encourage self-responsibility, rather than promote dependency. True Supporters believe that the other can handle their own business. They believe that everyone has the right to make mistakes and learn through sometimes hard consequences. They trust the other has what it takes to see themselves through times of difficulty without they, as Rescuers, needing to “save” them.

Starting Gate Rescuers, on the other hand, don’t take responsibility for themselves. Instead, they do for others in an attempt to get validation or feel important or as a way to foster dependency. Victim is just round the bend.”

 The complete article can be found if you click here.